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PreviewThe War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World
Audible Audiobook – UnabridgedJamil Zaki (Author, Narrator), Little, Brown Audio (Publisher)
4.4 4.4 out of 5 stars 535 ratings
'In this masterpiece, Jamil Zaki weaves together the very latest science with stories that will stay in your heart forever' - Angela Duckworth, author of Grit
'Scientific, gripping, groundbreaking and hopeful. The War for Kindness is the message for our times' - Carol Dweck, author of Mindset
Empathy has been on people's mind a lot lately. Philosophers, evolutionary scientists and indeed former President Obama agree that an increase in empathy could advance us beyond the hatred, violence and polarization in which the world seems caught. Others disagree, arguing it is easiest to empathize with people who look, talk or think like us. As a result, empathy can inspire nepotism, racism and worse.
Having studied the neuroscience and psychology of empathy for over a decade, Jamil Zaki thinks both sides of this debate have a point. Empathy is sometimes an engine for moral progress, and other times for moral failure. But Zaki also thinks that both sides are wrong about how empathy works.
Both scientists and non-scientists commonly argue that empathy is something that happens to you, sort of like an emotional knee-jerk reflex. Second, they believe it happens more to some people than others. This lines people up along a spectrum, with deep empaths on one end and psychopaths on the other. What's more, wherever we are on that spectrum, we're stuck there.
In The War for Kindness, Zaki lays out a very different view of how empathy works, one that breaks these two assumptions. Empathy is not a reflex; it's a choice. We choose empathy (or apathy) constantly: when we read a tragic novel, or cross the street to avoid a homeless person, or ask a distraught friend what's the matter. This view has crucial consequences: if empathy is less a trait (like height), and more a skill (like being good at word games), then we can improve at it. By choosing it more often, we can flex our capabilities and grow more empathic over time. We can also "tune" empathy, ramping it up in situations where it will help and turning it down when it might backfire.
Zaki takes us from the world of doctors who train medical students to empathise better to social workers who help each other survive empathising too much. From police trainers who help cadets avoid becoming violent cops to political advocates who ask white Americans to literally walk a (dusty) mile in Mexican immigrants' shoes. This book will give you a deepened understanding of how empathy works, how to control it and how to become the type of empathiser you want to be.
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©2019 Jamil Zaki (P)2019 Hachette Audio UK
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7 hours and 13 minutes
Author
Jamil Zaki
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From other countries
Clare Cannon
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent- so well researched
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 26 October 2024
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Well done Jamil, this book is a fusion of love and science which is hard to get right but you should be proud that you have identified thinking that can become distorted through our own viewpoints, and have offered us ways of taking another look. I really recommend this book to anyone who wants a fresh view on the subject of kindness, it’s both timely and needed.
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Julius
5.0 out of 5 stars Ein warmes Buch rund um Empathie in unserer Gesellschaft
Reviewed in Germany on 23 October 2024
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Stimmt hoffnungsvoll. Wissenschaftlich und dennoch mit einer gewissen Leichtigkeit und Ironie.
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Tiffany Price
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book
Reviewed in the United States on 15 November 2024
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This was a wonderful read. It reminds us of the importance of the word and what we all are forgetting about into today’s world
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Nowfel Yousef
4.0 out of 5 stars AN IMPORTANT BOOK
Reviewed in India on 26 August 2021
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Books that connect with our life and thoughts are not readily available, or might not satisfy the bracket expectations.
Empathy is a Topic that must be discussed in daylight and its unexplored terrain are deeper than mere comprehension or imagination.
Appreciating the author for putting forward such an important and sensitive topic which albeit is alas is one 9f the most compromised pillars of humanity
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Rachel Ross
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book!
Reviewed in Canada on 11 September 2024
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I heard this researcher on the Andrew Huberman podcast. Very interesting research.
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Remalee
5.0 out of 5 stars This book offers a much needed perspective at this period in time.
Reviewed in Canada on 20 August 2023
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I’ve only read a few chapters, but I would definitely recommend this book to everyone. It’s timely and a much needed perspective.
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LM
5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful, engaging, moving, and important
Reviewed in the United States on 16 June 2019
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What a fantastic book—a tapestry of science, human interest stories, and personal memoir to understand empathy as a key force in our lives and make the case that it's a skill we can grow. A few things I loved about it:
-It's engaging and the science is made clear.
-The science is interwoven with interviews and stories from former hate group members, police officers, actors, doctors, and others. Their stories are fascinating and moving in turn. One chapter in particular (about empathy in medical settings) made me tear up. I can't recall another popular science book having that effect on me.
-It’s important. So much in our society seems broken right now, and Zaki explores how and why empathy matters—across policing, political divides, school discipline, health care, and our digital lives. He considers negative trends and shows how empathy can yield better outcomes for us—whether to improve people's social lives, help doctors avoid burnout, or help police officers hold the trust of their communities.
The author is clear early on that it isn’t a self-help book, so don’t go into it expecting a 10-step program or anything like that. (Although, the book does still outline a lot of evidence on what works to build people’s empathy; it offers plenty enough that I’ve been thinking about how to incorporate it into my life.) But if you want a scientific perspective on what empathy is and how it works, how individuals and societies can build it, and why that matters for making our lives better, this book is a must-read.
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Nick B
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for anyone wanting to make a positive difference in the world
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 14 December 2020
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Loved this booked. The stories really helped to bring the science to life. This is a much-needed topic given the state of division around the world currently. We can all develop greater empathy, even if we are not great at it to start with. Some heart-wrenching stories in there of how our biases and our obsession with being busy get in the way of helping others in their times of significant need. It certainly made me reflect on my own life and how I can slow down a little to ensure I can empathise for effectively. There is little doubt that 99%+ of us could be kinder to one another and that kindness could well help transform our communities and our own lives.
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Anita
5.0 out of 5 stars excellent read
Reviewed in Canada on 30 December 2019
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this was delivered very quickly. good service, good read
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Ericka Clou
2,484 reviews
210 followers
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November 13, 2021
For anyone who has read books on empathy or attachment for a general audience, the beginning of this book is a huge recitation of studies you have already read about repeatedly. The shame those bad-Samaritan priests must feel to be dragged for all eternity! But the second half of the book was an improvement in that it was at least new information, but unfortunately, by then, it's the end of the book so the topics were insufficiently covered.
This makes me interested to read Paul Bloom's book Against Empathy mentioned many times here. Which is ironic because I think Zaki was disagreeing with it when he brought it up so much? The fact that I'm not sure is also not a great recommendation of TWFK. But surely Against Empathy must have some new-to-me content.
nonfiction
psychology
sociology
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Brian Griffith
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7 books
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August 8, 2024
I’m really impressed with this guy. His writing is lively and relatable. When he discusses the psychological, sociological, political, or technological aspects of mutual care, he's drawing on field research as the director of the Stanford Social Neuroscience Laboratory. Among other things, he investigates burnout among intensive care medical staff, the culture clash between “warrior” and “guardian” policing, and competing strategies for school discipline. He explores the rise of online mutual therapy communities, where social media becomes a force for empathy rather than a replacement for it. The insights are helpful, relevant, and realistic.
sociology-psychology
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Oana Filip
71 reviews
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April 27, 2021
I could start a book club after reading Jamil Zaki's amazing writing. This lecture deserves its fair share of debating, changing ideas, switching perspectives, and expanding acceptance.
Until I create the opportunity to engage in such a meaningful dialogue, I leave you with one powerful sentence from this book. Unfortunately, it sums up the world we live in today. The good news is that we're better than this, and we can change the way we understand and manifest empathy.
"They are enemies before they have a chance to be people."
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Anthony Monir
206 reviews
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November 21, 2022
So this book is kind of a mixed bag for me since there is a lot I liked and a lot that I didn’t. This book is at its best when it talks about systemic causes of our empathy depletion crisis. For example, I found the chapter on social media to be super interesting as it showed the effect our “connected” world has on our relationships (I am not against social media as I recognize its many benefits; I am merely objective about it). Also, Zaki makes an important distinction between concern and distress empathy which is important because people tend to believe that empathy is merely feeling sad when another person is sad. However, the book often fails in showing how we can improve empathy on a SYSTEMIC level. Since BLM, I’m sure everyone has grown tired of hearing the word “systemic” yet the idea behind it remains important. Leftists have been right in advocating for systemic change. What Zaki advocates for mostly boils down to putting a band-aid over the wounds in our society while ignoring the sickness behind it all. For example, in the chapter on police, Zaki pretty much ignores much of the rottenness in the justice system (he does mention systemic biases a couple of times without including them in his analysis) and argues that it can be fixed with more empathy. I agree with Zaki that empathy is going to solve many of the issues yet I still believe that much more can be accomplished through systemic change without putting the burden on the individual. I also find that much of the book is very surface level and does not provide much ammunition in terms of ways to reliably increase people’s empathy. If there’s a war for kindness as the title says, I’m afraid we already lost. To end the review on a positive note, there is one really amazing thing that Zaki has done in this book. In the appendix, after a nice but brief explanation of the various types of empathy, Zaki goes on to rate the scientific claims he has made throughout the book. He does this by looking at the sources he took and judging their reliability. This is incredibly important in growing fields such as psychology where new research can lead us towards conclusions that are not necessarily supported by the evidence. By giving us an idea of how reliable/supported each claim is, Zaki reaches an exemplary level of transparency. Any author of popular science/social science needs to follow this model of claim rating since misinformation causes much of the harm in today’s world.
Edit: I was in the shower and I remembered that I didn’t talk about the writing style of this book. Spoilers: it’s kinda uninspired. I don’t expect much from popular science/social science books but I have seen much better than this. I have also seen much worse. Final rating: 3/5
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Azzam Al Shathri
544 reviews
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November 12, 2023
A book that arms man to fight the war of promoting compassion in the world.
Its idea of compassion organized through the police, for example, is interesting.
The stories of the wise men inspiring compassion in the souls of criminals are the most beautiful. It
is distinguished by its rich and sweet style and the abundance of studies in a coherent context.
It faced difficulty in establishing compassion on Darwin’s theory, far from heaven.
I also wished that it had contributed to deepening the understanding of the roots of the world’s fragmentation and the absence of faith
.
I write this long quote because it may trigger in you what triggered in me:
“
Medicine assumed that touching the intestines of an anesthetized newborn would not hurt him.
Melissa operated on Francesco, who was an inch and a half long.
She discovered a severe infection that was killing his intestines and interfering with his survival.
But she was upset about something else; when they made the first incision, Francesco
’s pulse rate increased, indicating that he was in pain.
Little Francesco’s parents had to accept his euthanasia ,
but they decided not to be present when their baby’s life support was removed.
But babies in the Loyalist Intensive Care Unit do not die alone.
Each baby dies in the arms of one of the staff. Elena volunteered
and sat on a comfortable couch. The nurse began to remove the devices.
The entire staff surrounded her and the baby, most of them standing, except for Liz,
who sat next to Elena. Melissa knelt beside them.
We were like mourners in a Renaissance painting, our bodies pointing toward a
central point. Above us was a cartoon of Mickey Mouse with the name “Mickey Mouse” underneath. Francesco
Liz closed her eyes and put her fingers on Francesco’s forehead
. His ventilator went off, and the room was filled with silence.
The team double-checked that Francesco had enough morphine.
Liz and Melissa took turns checking his heartbeat, which lasted twenty minutes after his last breath.
When Melissa checked for the fourth time, she looked at the clock, tears streaming down her cheeks. She
hugged everyone quietly, and the team made preparations to prepare Francesco’s body.
Hours later, I attended an event, and if anyone asked me how I was, my mind screamed: Francesco died yesterday
. But I kept quiet. I chose to be in intensive care alone, so I couldn’t impose this tragedy on them.
In return, their news (a paper that was rejected, a date that went well) seemed so trivial.
It wasn’t their fault, but Francesco captured my attention in normal life.
The nurse told me that when she came back and her fiancé talked about the difficult marketing problems
he had today, there was a part of me that said: I don’t care, this isn’t a problem at all
.
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Madiha Ahmed
201 reviews
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March 23, 2023
A wonderful and amazing book.
I will make a summary of it soon. Show us an episode on the channel.
I do not just recommend reading it.
The book is worth it because we live in an era in which humans have almost abandoned their humanity by sympathizing with others.
This book will restore your confidence through the author's vision of the concept of sympathy and the accompanying studies. With the addition of touching stories,
it will definitely make you lean towards the greatness of this noble feeling
"compassion" to confirm to us the extent of our need, which has become urgent in this era and is deeply rooted in our humanity, that we possess a small part of such a feeling.
But how do we reach it, understand it, and practice it with each other?
I will stop here and will return after I organize my thoughts and feelings and write down the most important ideas that I will carry with me later
. ———
Review on the channel
https://youtu.be/qcWQzddTz0A
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Sara
67 reviews
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August 17, 2024
2.8⭐ Lots of helpful research and stories are shared, but much less practical steps and strategies were shared than expected!
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Doyeon Ahn
90 reviews
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April 17, 2022
“People can change.”
I held this sentence close to my heart around the fall of 2018. There was no scientific evidence to support the claim. It was just a lifeline that I held onto to survive. At that time, I hated myself and was hanging on because I couldn’t find a reason to live. To me, words like “People don’t change” or “People can’t be rewritten” were like a death sentence. However, there was no scientific evidence for these skeptical words. I wanted to live again. I needed hope. So I kept repeating to myself, “People can change.” That’s how I survived until now.
Professor Jamil Zaki says that people can change. More specifically, he claims that a person’s empathy ability can be improved (within the genetically determined range) through voluntary will and help from others. It is interesting that various scientific evidences are presented to support this. For example, scientists measured radioactive isotopes generated from nuclear tests during the Cold War in the human brain and discovered that new brain cells are generated in the adult brain.
In the appendix chapter, the concept of 'empathy' is divided into three pieces: Sharing, Thinking about, and Caring about. The author explains how these three pieces of 'empathy' complement each other with the following examples: 1) We ignore the suffering of homeless people on the street because we lack the effort to imagine and recognize their situations (absence of Thinking about). 2) We try to recognize the other party with whom we are in conflict, but we often lack the desire to wish them well (sufficient 'Thinking about', but lack of 'Caring about'). 3) The emotional burnout we experience occurs because we share too much emotion, and we can recover from burnout symptoms by replacing this emotional sharing with the desire to wish the other party well (transition from 'Sharing' to 'Caring about'). We get a
strange sense of incongruity and a gentle comfort as we follow the process in which 'empathy', which we thought was an emotional domain, is interpreted from the perspective of 'science', which is considered a rational domain. I feel like my somewhat vague belief that “people can change” has become a little more solid. Because I can change, I try.
2022
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Clark Hays
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16 books
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February 25, 2020
The future of empathy looks bleak
Author Jamil Zaki, travels an engaging but expected path in The War for Kindness, investigating empathy — a complex term he defines as sharing, thinking about and caring about the feelings of others. Zaki describes the evolutionary role of empathy (increasing collaboration, and therefore improving survival odds), the alarming lack of empathy in our current society (which begs the question: is lack of broad-based empathy simply the human condition?) and shows how it can be learned as a skill and manipulated in the lab — this last bit to underscore how, in theory, we could increase empathy to reduce strife.
Along the way, Zaki also tells some truly engaging stories that bring empathy to life such as how a former racist moved past his own hatred and a particularly gut-wrenching section set in a neonatal emergency unit. He is a talented and especially sensitive writer, but I was disappointed by the conclusion.
The final chapter, which feels light and unmoored from the rest, almost slapped on, suggests we owe it to future generations to be more empathetic now. It was a very unsatisfying conclusion. Like religion, that requires some sense of an external greater good to use as a backstop. Who determines the greater good? How can we ever know what fictional future generations will think of our actions? A corporate raider may feel perfectly justified in greedily widening the wealth gap because their sense of empathy assures them future generations will thank them for preserving capitalism, all the while stepping over homeless people. Empathy is an imperfect tool that allows humans to do horrific things to each other — it is tribal empathy that allows so many to brutalize and kill those in other tribes.
We need a framework that allows us to be empathic in the moment, not another weirdly forward-looking faith-based system that dangles the promise of a utopian future state to guide our actions.
I liked the book, and recommend it, but the author — and readers — should think long and hard about a conclusion that feels misguided and perhaps even dangerous. If empathy can be so easily dialed up or down, and can be used to justify some of our darkest actions, we should be focused on expanding the boundaries of those whose feelings we care about, not in the future.
I would have given the book another star if not for the misguided final chapter that undermined — for me — a very engaging read.
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Eduardo Santiago
722 reviews
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December 2, 2019
You’ve read about those studies that “prove” that empathy is malleable; in which subjects primed with pictures of puppies and butterflies behave more favorably toward fellow humans. You’ve also probably grumbled in frustration at how pathetically short-term (and useless) those studies are. Zaki too: he likens those to fast-twitch muscles, the kind useful for sprints but not marathons. Zaki is very much interested in the long run, and has devoted his research (and book) to the proposition that empathy is a muscle, that it can be trained and grown and encouraged. With permanent effects. He shows us some of the promising research on how best to do it, especially for those less likely to devote themselves to a life of meditative contemplation.
He covers a lot of ground: medical professionals, police, criminals. Empathy in education, especially younger ages, yields disproportionately positive results. (Yes, he talks about morality and about the people who prefer to punish punish punish rather than "be soft". As one might expect from a compassionate writer, he tries to win them over with facts—an approach which, I fear, is hopeless against authoritarian-centered brains). Even technology—even social media technology, which he overwhelmingly blames for the exponential growth of discord this century—has much to offer if we use it right.
I was disappointed that he didn’t talk about the role of hate-based religions; nor did he even mention any of the recent findings on morality (e.g. Haidt’s work). And I’m discouraged, admittedly preemptively, that none of the people who really need to read this book will ever read this book. Four and a half stars, rounding down because I’m feeling dejected about the world right now, but even so please grab this book (or borrow my copy). We can all benefit and learn from reading it.
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