[I am also convinced that parents who have their own fulfilling lives are the best kind for young adults. My mother and father were always busy and purposeful. I never felt I had to visit them or that they needed me there to make their life complete. What’s more, they were a lot of fun. I would like my own children to feel the same about me and their father.
But whether things are going well or badly, we remain, and always should be, the safe haven, the last resort, the taken for granted, the ultimate backup. I can still remember how reassuring it was to know during my thrilling, terrifying, tedious 20s that if this project or that relationship crashed and burned, there was always a place for me. A door I could knock on day or night. A friendly face, someone ready to put the kettle on, share a meal, take a friendly interest or, yes, offer that crucial hug of reassurance.]
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I've got a stepson who is nearly 22,doesn't work,doesn't sign on, gets up at mid day and then just watches TV and plays xbox all day,he might go for a bike ride in the day but thats the total of his life.He hasn't had any friends since he was about 11,has no interest in forming a relationship,and seems to think he'll be able to live with us forever,he pays us around £25 a week out if savings he had from various Xmas and birthday presents over the years.We pay for him to come on holiday with us,which he contributes nothing to.I sometimes can't look at him I feel such resentment,why is he so shit?.His mum feels guilty he hasn't had the perfect life,but she has no idea what to do and doesn't want him on the street.I've got two younger kids ,so don't want to leave them because of this man-child.Life is shit
I don't know what you do about that. Tough love?? Give him a deadline to get a job?I have a nephew, who is exactly the same age who works his socks off in the restaurant trade (coming back at 3am and starting again at 10am some shifts) --- he is doing well having been promoted to head waiter, which is great and he rents his own studio flat, looks after himself and works so it is hardly impossible.I wonder whether by kicking him out you would be doing him a service? Forcing him to engage with life.It is a very tough situation to navigate, I guess. But feeling guilty over his not perfect life/upbringing is completely unnecessary - a lot of people have probably had it a lot tougher.Maybe talk to a professional counsellor to get some advice on how to change the situation?I have been a slightly similar (but different) situation by taking in a friend who had lost his job/girlfriend/house everything and he simply would not get off his ar$e. There was always one excuse or another as to why he couldn't apply for this/do that job/make that effort. In the end, after two years - and a final deadline from me, he got a job and got himself a flat. It was such a relief!!Unfortunately, six months into the job he was sacked but I couldn't face going through the same again - so he had to return to live with his mother where he remains up to this point.He just didn't seem to have any motivation or expectation that it was up to him to make it better/do something about it. And if (for whatever reason - someone doesn't have that) I don't think you can force it into them. You'll just end up banging your head against the wall.I sympathise with your situation - no idea what you should do though.
Well thanks for the reply,i just needed to get it off my chest.I do think he's got mild Aspergers,but he has never been diagnosed.I don't know what to do either,I feel if it came to a me or him situation my partner would probably choose him.I can imagine him living with us forever,it will break up the family in the end,I'm afraid. I think I do need to speak to a specialist. Anyway thank you
I had the same problem with my own son, he was 20, refusing to get a job, or when he did he couldn't keep it for longer than 6 weeks, would sleep in bed all day until 4-5pm then get up and eat breakfast! He never ate an evening meal with us and would always refuse it if asked then at midnight would creep down to the kitchen and make himself 'dinner'!
The atmosphere in our house became quite unbearable, my husband would be constantly wound up by it (it's his stepson) and all we ever did was rant to each other about it and be angry. (We also have a 5 yr old son together).
I gave my son an ultimatum (after a year or more of nagging, asking nicely, helping, shouting, screaming, crying) to either get a job, pay us rent and live a normal life or move out. (At this point he had found a job as a KP but was still refusing to pay us rent!)
We gave him a deadline, it came & went, we gave him another deadline, it came and went, so I then found him a room to rent in a lovely ladies house.
He was shocked when I told him he was moving out in 2 weeks, his exact words were "you're joking right?".
Nope I wasn't joking, I moved him out.
I paid his first months rent and deposit, and bought him a months worth of food shopping, new bedding, new towels ect and left him to it.
He lost his job within 2 weeks, but paid the next months rent out of his savings, then didn't pay anymore and got kicked out.
I found him somewhere else and guess what, he's just got kicked out again. He hasn't worked now for over 8 months and hasn't bothered looking.
He is now currently sofa surfing. As a parent, I'm heartbroken. He's basically homeless ��
But I can't take him back, he will be exactly the same as he was almost a year ago when I first kicked him out, and my husband would never have him back. (And rightly so) BUT as a parent I can't just sit back and see my son homeless, he doesn't have a mobile so I can't contact him, I have sporadic contact through Facebook as and when. I have no idea where he is sleeping tonight or when he last ate, and I have no idea how to help him or sort him out.
Sometimes tough love is the only way, but in our case, it hasn't solved anything. Yes my husband is now happy, our home life is better, but I have a son out there who I fear ive failed. ��
The day after I left school my dad told me there were jobs available in the factory across the road and that my wages could go towards paying rent. I left home for good shortly after that to go to university instead, and my dad told me I could keep my wages, he didn't need the rent money, he just wanted to make sure that I didn't turn into a post-school lounging-around-at-home man-child.
Some adult children are the favourites, and get help all the way. It also goes through to the grandchildren. There's help with school fees and sport fees, help only for one chosen adult child and not others. There's not much you can do about it. I have one sibling who lived with a parent until their mid 30s, until they got kicked out. Now that the parent is very frail, the adult sibling has moved back home, to "care" for the older parent. It's not about free rent, the carer pension, free bills, free food and cash on the side, is it. Others in the family want the frail older person in a safe care home. Some people know how to have a free ride in life. Some elderly parents have favourites and continue that favouritism forever. Other adult children leave home, buy an affordable home, pay a mortgage and budget- how incredibly boring- no fancy holidays, private schools or posh stuff. Reality is hard and so boring, often.
I look forward to the day my adult daughter successfully moves out. We managed 6 months when she was in her mid twenties before addiction brought her home. Five years on we are flatmates who negotiate the shared communal space. But I would rather live at Grey Gardens for a bit longer than insist she deals with her problems alone.
I love having my 20 year old at home and I've made it clear she does not have to rush out the door on her own. When I was in my 20's, in the early 80's, I lived at home as did most of my friends, there was never a thought of moving out until you were financially ready to do so. Perhaps people seemed to enjoy the big family thing back then. My daughter helps me in so many ways and I hope I do the same for her, but most of all, I cherish this time together, I know it won't last forever.
very hard to live with adult children....
a clear definition of responsibilities (work load) must be written out and respected
paying room & board is a must...(on time) (which should cover the real costs of food, utilities, cable/internet, and a cost for the room(s)....
clear guidelines must be made on who, when, & where friends can visit
the parents, must develop and maintain their own friends and have their friends over often.
also, it is normal for people who live under the same roof, to advise one another on their comings & goings, and one would expect to not be in a situation to be worried...
as long as "adult" children behave as respectful adults, there should be no problems, but using a parents home as a cheap hotel...is not...
coming home drunk, breaking things, coming in and out of the home at very late hours, or for "adult children" who do not work, and end up staying up all the night, that they end up sleeping all day.. doesn't work out neither.. no parent should be forced to feel guilt about making 'normal' noise in their own homes, or end up being angry, 'cause their adult child sleeps all day.
All of this depends on how "mature" or "immature" an "adult-child" can be. Personally, I think "adult children" should do as much as they can, to mature, and figure out, how they can successfully live on their own, and work towards that.
It's funny - I can't identify with any of this. We had all our 3 live at home as adults at varying times. No problems at all.
We had a discussion at first about our mutual expectations. Ours were that we are not a hotel and we are not servants. We were happy to cook for them as well - if they let us know they were going to be home. Usually they were so in the end it was 'let us know when you are not here for tea.'
Whoever was at home hung out the washing or took out the bins.
In fact, the experience was enjoyable although we were of course pleased for our children when they got the right job and managed to get their own homes.
It all boils down to respect. Parents need to realise the children are not children anymore and the children need to realise they're grown up and have to share the responsibilities instead of reverting to becoming teenagers.
Maybe it all depends on whether you like your children as well as love them.
There are ample rooms in the UK; Average household sizes are actually static or falling. It's just that too many of those rooms are owned by too few people, and a situation has been deliberately engineered whereby those people's property becomes more and more expensive and they are able to charge insanely high rent.
Our housing crisis is primarily driven by two factors: incredibly low interest rates (Bank of England base rate of 0.5%) which have allowed people to borrow huge amounts and thus pushed up house prices; and the cultural shift away from extended families sharing a house and towards an accepted norm of the nuclear family or indeed the single person household.
The rate of household formation is driven by many things but one of the things that prevents "extended families sharing a house" or indeed creates "the single person household" is divorce. People are living longer too, which means that there is a lot of over occupation of former family homes as people put off the moveinto a home.I doubt this situation has ben deliberately engineered or that these people are charging any rent at all.
I meant more that high rents and high house prices have been deliberately engineered - successive governments have kept interest rates low to keep the house prices rising because that tends to benefit the better off, who are more likely to vote and more likely to vote for the two centre-right parties that dominate UK politics.
I moved back home after university and a post graduate course and it was a nightmare.My mother had a tough time when, as the youngest, I left for university. She had always identified as a "mother" and I think felt like that time was coming to a close. When I came back she saw this as another bite at the parenting cherry, rather than me returning as an adult and being treated as such.She gave me a curfew, wouldn't allow boys in my room and did all my washing without asking me first (I was 22). I obviously ignored her requests, and this made relations increasingly strained as she struggled to retain control.I know she was trying to do her best, but our relationship has been irreparably damaged as a result.It wasn't all her fault, but if she would listen to me, I would say you have to give young adults their own space.Just my personal experience.
Thats bad....when I left Uni and moved back home, my parents had divorced while I had been away for 3 years and I found my dad completely helpless and alone. I basically became a replacement for my mother ( who had moved out the family home and out of the neighbourhood)I cooked and cleaned for him, but it made living rent free more dignified and he loved he company and distraction, in fact I was allowed to bring back women, mates, smoke, drink - think men behaving badly -When I finally got on my feet with a job , I paid him rent and was sad to eventually move out into a house share with mates, it was the making of the relationship with my dad, I saw him as a mate from that moment and we were close right up to the night he died.
That made me laugh.I should be clear I would never dream of banging anyone anywhere near my parents, and definitely not in their house. I would be mortified.I was referring to my mother not letting me have anyone male in my room, whether they were boyfriends/male friends/work colleagues, in case my hormones took over and I decided to loudly shag them within earshot.She would also sneak into my room and go through my stuff whenever she felt like it. And she opened my bank statements.
Not even 10% of the land in England is built on. We can do better if we elect a government which chooses to build affordable housing. It is as simple as that. I think a current Labour government would do that. It after all has a track record of getting rid of slums and replacing housing on a large scale.
True. The problem is not the space, it's the fact that most of the land is in private hands; usually hands that haven't done anything to earn it other than being born to some rich git.
There are compulsive purchase orders which tend to be used to move some poor sucker out of their house because we so desperately need another bloody runway /high speed rail link / superstore / etc. Why not use them to deprive the landed gentry of some land they don't need apart from for keeping the plebs at a distance.
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A "grown" child living away from their family home / parent's is a specific cultural "norm". I find it baffling and for years confused at this different look on life of a "grown up" child. In East Asia, it is common to see "children" living with their parents until they marry off or moving due to work, etc. It is also common to see those living alone or with their partners. However, it seems according to the Western culture, it is normal to have children leave home for university hence it is abnormal to have any aged above teenage years to be living at family home. Personally, I have a strict traditional East Asian minded parents that having thoughts of living away as soon as I graduated from secondary school shocked and hurt them. They misunderstood my intention as a betrayal and a child now grown wanting to flee and abandon their ageing parents and family. It is tormenting having put in such a place where you can see both points of view.Another note is how despite claiming to want their children to live independently- in secret or sub-consciously, they want to continue their children's dependence. "Oh he still needs me", "what would you do without me"s. Sometimes this is born out of vanity, sometimes it is because a parent is aware of their growing vulnerability, they are growing old, needing more help, attention than their now capable children.Today especially of all times with diverse culture and life styles, isn't it time for us to re-consider the way we live and the ways to treat children as they come of age? And for parents to re-examine if their words and/or actions are luring their children back home to the family it once was?
Some really good points. As a parent, however, I feel it is incredibly selfish to look at children as a age-proofing-care system.
This stems from times / countries where there was / is no pension, health service and children were the safety net should you live longer than you can work.
I would feel mortified if my children felt obliged to put their lives on hold for me and have told them this in no uncertain terms repeatedly.
It is - in my opinion - selfish to have children so they can do what you want them to do. I marvel at how mine have developed and grown and become these competent, likeable, wonderful people. I have no expectations of them other than for them to be able to be proud of their actions and achievements, however small.
As a 23 year old who gets along very well with my parents, I don't always view it as an "age-proofing-care" system. I personally don't see anything wrong with caring for your parents in their old age - I think it's great, if it's not forced. Nor do I see anything wrong with living with your parents well beyond your 20s.
That is very sweet and loving of you - your parents obviously did a great job of bringing you up lovingly.
Being the middle generation, I can tell you that the best intentions don't stand up to reality.
My father-in-law had MND, ending up in a wheelchair and needing everything doing for him. 2 years after he died, my father had lung surgery, leaving him with a third of a lung as well as other complications; then my mother had 2 strokes and is now a couple of years into developing dementia.
We did all we could for each of them - luckily we got my in-laws to move as soon as we suspected my father-in-law had something serious. But where do one's children, one's job and one's life fit into all this.
I have recently become a grandma and would love to get to know the little lump of cuddles. No chance, even though my mum is in a home. She frets if she doesn't see me several times a week - and I live 2.5 hours away (on a good day).
I have told my children to not look after me. I did not have them so they suffer. I bought a book on edible plants in nature - the good thing is, there are lots of warnings about which plants are not edible... I hope I won't have to resort to this but having seen the long, drawn-out suffering my dad and dad-in-law went through because western medicine keeps you alive no matter what, I may well have to. It makes me feel good to imagine I have a smidgen of control.
If your parents love you, they will not want you to put your life on hold and risk your job, your relationship and your relationship with your children (should you have any) to look after them.
However understanding and wonderful your parents are, however well you get along with them, it still feels humiliating living at home in your twenties. If I'd read the title of this article when I was doing exactly that, the idea that I needed to be 'parented' as well would have been the ultimate blow to any feeling of adulthood I might have clung on to. Nobody wants to move home again, nobody wants to be a burden or an overgrown child. They are grateful for the help, and they want to save up and move out as quickly as possible. If they are infantilised by well meaning parents, it will only undermine their sense of self worth even further. Having said that, much as I disagree with the horribly clickbaity title, the rest of the article is well worth a read.
Nonsense, we are just now 3 adults living in the same house, despite them being my progeny, apart from rent which I don't take, I expect them to behave as adults with freedom and responsibility to match ..... and since I allowed the toilet roll to run out, they now do! regardless of whom they'd been sharing with, acceptable behaviour still needs to be learned.
when a man I knew in my 20s told me that when his best friend at university killed himself, he wanted his parents to go to the funeral, even though they had only met the friend a couple of times. They refused on the grounds that this loss was really nothing to do with them. He never forgave them .....but did he ever grow up enough to 'forgive them'?
Maybe, maybe not. It's just that his parents showed an astonishing lack of empathy and understanding. It wasn't that they didn't really know their son's friend; it was about supporting their son through his grief. They clearly didn't get that or maybe it was something that they couldn't give.
your best friend needs a lot of growing up still. obviously still acting out like a child. His parents were not required to go to a funeral of someone they did not know. ridiculous. That he didn't forgive them because of this ?? !!! yikes, I am thinking he has a lot of issues still to go through... and he just picked out whatever reason for his anger... I am not saying that I would have done this (as a parent) personally , my daughter did experience some deaths, a couple of funerals I went to, other ones, not. If she would have asked me to go, I most certainly would have gone. But really, it seems to me, that this friend of yours, needs to expand his universe, and get some friends...Perhaps one of his other friends could have gone with him. but to be angry at his parents ? nah....
I find respecting personal space and other people's decisions is the key to getting along with adult offspring (adult children is just ridiculous). My daughter's bedroom is sacrosanct, but then it has been since her teens. She likes to cook, and she's usually home before us, so she's taken that over. Therewas a period of adjustment when she came back after university, but I'll miss her like hell when she goes, which will probably be in the next year now that she has a decent deposit saved.
Not read all the comments but some of you are blaming housing . just had a look over on twitter and this is being retweeted in its bucket loads. Not my words so don't get your knickers in a twist I know what you socialist are like.'' Refugees moan they have been given houses with red doors, Meanwhile 1.8 million British are on the housing list''Do they have a point? or Is it taboo?
So you've formed an argument based on one comment you read on twitter and you've already decided that if people don't take you seriously it's because of a "taboo".Can you actually quote some statistics evidence that refugees have significantly affected house prices and that a significant proportion of them are living in nice houses but complaining about the colour of the doors?
This is a subject where Italian opinion might be of interest, since I think the last 5-6 years governments have envied Italy's culture of children staying at home until much later in life. The model is based on a relatively lapsed Catholic one of proceeding directly from the family to the marital home, but it persists for reasons of the economy and of habit. Our old post-Beveridge model of children shooting away from the nest at 18 is increasingly less sustainable for us.
However, I should add that I think business loves to 'divide and conquer', and makes far more money out of a fractured and insecure populace than out of one which has a solid social and domestic base. The trouble with that is that, as regards housing, is that we have run out of affordable space.
.....and????Despite whatever Birth rate the Italians have a longstanding tradition of young adults moving straight from the home shared with their parents to that they will share with their spouse. This is more of a tradition rather than due to financial constraints which seems to be driving the current trend in Britain.They aren't called "Mama's boys" for nothing!!
Seems to me to be a current generational thing. Not long ago it was normal for offspring to stay at home until they were married, some even stayed a bit after that. And of course, only about 2% went to uni.
Trouble is, the current generation of 20-somethings have this huge sense of entitlement instead of sorting themselves out. We shared flat and houses, often room, and didn't expect to have lots of expensive toys or spend £100 on going out on a Saturday night.
My grandparents bought their first house, (a 3 bed terrace with a nice garden) in a suburb of London, when they were both in their early 20's. They survived on a single income and my grandad was a gardener. That would simply be impossible now. Someone in their position could neither rent nor buy a house even in the North of England on a single gardeners salary.The fact is housing has become more expensive in real terms than it has ever been before. Certain areas have become completely inaccessible for 95% of the population. This is a fact.
Not long ago it was normal for offspring to stay at home until they were married,And at what ages did they marry? I'm guessing not too many were still single at 35!
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