Se-Woong Koo is in Seoul, South Korea.
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Mrs. Kim, my mother's full-time live-in caregiver, is a bible-banging ultra-rightwing Christian homophobe.
She is also a terrific person.
Mrs. Kim started with us about six weeks ago, on the day my mother was released from the hospital in eastern Seoul after treatment for a spinal fracture. That day my mother was in such pain that every jolt in the car on the way home left her nearly crying. She was also in serious distress from severe constipation caused by the opioid she was on.
Seeing my mother's condition on arrival, Mrs. Kim said without a pause, "I know what to do." She then put on disposable gloves, took my mother to the toilet, and helped her empty her bowels manually.
It didn’t take me long to discover her other side: she proudly showed me a text message from a church boy she sponsored financially through school, who is now studying in Palm Springs, California. He wrote to her, “It’s nice here, but there are too many gays around.” Like me, I thought, but she doesn’t know that.
Turns out the whole reason she took on the job of caring for my mother is to donate to a campaign to rehabilitate Yoon Seok-yeol, Korea's disgraced ex-president now in prison for declaring martial law in 2024 – the current favorite cause of the Korean Protestant right. She gets up at 4:30 am every morning to pray. She plays hymns on a nonstop loop for my mother to hear.
And she is the best caregiver ever. She never raises her voice, always counsels me to treat my mother with more empathy(because I hit my limits easily) and proclaims, “People who are in this work just for money shouldn’t start in the first place.” She prepares me breakfast, lunch and dinner even when I tell her that it’s not her job. She’s also offered to set me up on a date with a “nice Christian girl”, so she must like me well enough, and I like her, too.
I’ve never spent so much time with someone from the ‘other’ side of the political spectrum before, even as I often pay lip service to tolerance and all that. Seeing Mrs. Kim, I even think at times that all those Korean Christian churches, which I’ve always considered to be nasty hotbeds of bigotry and self-righteousness, cannot be terrible – at least not always.
All those people we normalize hating as we grow older – for reasons of politics, social convictions, cultural and ethnic differences, and sometimes plain prejudices – may remain mysteries to us, maybe because we never get to know them as human beings.
I doubt I will ever be able to stomach unblocking someone’s constipated rectum with my own hand. I am not decent and kind enough to manage that, even if it’s for my mother.
This woman, who says “Lord sent me here for a reason,” can.
The cynic in me argues this is pure zealotry.
But zealotry – if that truly is her only motivation – doesn't seem entirely bad. It's inspiring and beautiful even.
Se-Woong Koo
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AuthorMy own thoughts on the disgraced Korean President Yoon Seok-yeol: https://www.nytimes.com/.../south-korea-democracy...
NYTIMES.COM
Opinion | South Korea’s Democracy Is in Deep Trouble (Published 2025)
Opinion | South Korea’s Democracy Is in Deep Trouble (Published 2025)
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Sulgi Lim
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by author
This post made me tear up and reminded me how powerful it is to center humanity and love.
Elijah Hee
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안녕하십니까 선생님. 여기는 말레이시아입니다.
I'm still struggling to understand what's going on with the politics of your country - I mean, I've heard of President Yoon being called "K-Trump", but I wonder why conservative Christians (and also new age religions such as Unification Church) throw their support behind Yoon "for religious reasons"? He's a Roman Catholic, no?
For American "Evangelicals" supporting Donald Trump, that I understand. But I don't remember any South Korean politician actually appealing to religious sentiments (though I'm aware of some of them having connections with religious groups) in a way like the American Republican politicians? Especially when there are actually only 30% of Christians in South Korea?
Jenny Ng
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The issue with bigotry has never been about whether 'the other side' lacks empathy and compassion. The issue is that bigots believe they get to decide who to treat as people and who to treat as trash.
Christina Fox
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by author
Life is truly ironic sometimes.
Sharyn Porter
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There are carers that do this work for the joy that they bring to there clients. You are so lucky to have a beautiful caring carer. Just loved how Mrs Kim was assisting you mum to walk, truly one in a million
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Sunyoung Jeong
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Such a brilliant read!
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Amy Levine
by author
Love this
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Jack Large
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My admiration for your writing continues to grow with this refreshingly sensitive post about your mother's caregiver. Not least among the points to admire in it, is your narrative re: constipation resulting from opioid analgesia. Surgeries for herniated disc and AAA, as well as constipation resulting from dietary elements have forced upon me the necessity of familiarizing myself with myself, lacking any other possibility of voiding my bowel, when the pressure and pain can't be relieved any way other than manually. It should be recommended to every person who experiences the problem to familiarize themselves with the method(s) by experimentation. Or Google it. It is an excellent skill to learn, and even use. The relief, as its outcome, is sensational, whether for ourselves or for another. Pun fully intended.
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